Help is on the way: enough great parenting books to fill a minivan

As any parent knows, we must seek out good parenting skills wherever we can find them. Here's a handful of books to help solve a dizzying number of dilemmas.

REVIEWS BY ALICE CARY

How should boys be boys?

In 1994 Mary Pipher created a stir with her groundbreaking book about adolescent girls, Reviving Ophelia. Now it's the year of the boy, with two titles receiving widespread attention. The first, A Fine Young Man: What Parents, Mentors, and Educators Can Do to Shape Adolescent Boys into Exceptional Boys, is by Michael Gurian, author of the best-selling The Wonder of Boys. Gurian says adolescent males are "our most undernurtured population." Much attention, he rightly says, has been given to adolescent girls; now it's time to give boys what he calls "New Models of Manhood," which include compassion, honor, responsibility, and enterprise. Such timeless ideals are hardly new, but Gurian's thoughts are worth pondering.

In a similar vein, in Real Boys: Rescuing Our Sons from the Myths of Boyhood, William Pollack argues that boys are forced to prematurely separate from their mothers at ages five or six. From that time on, we expect them to heed what he calls the "Boy Code," to be stoic, rough-and-tumble little men. To make matters worse, Pollack says, society views boys as "toxic" -- in other words, "psychologically unaware, emotionally unsocialized creatures." And yet as men they are expected to be masculine, communicative, and sensitive. No wonder, he notes, that boys are confused!

Pollack concludes: "Real boys need people to be with who allow them to show all of their emotions, including their most intense feelings of sadness, disappointment, and fear." Any parent will find this an intriguing, immensely readable book.


Insight and inspiration

In Parents Who Think Too Much: Why We Do It, How to Stop It, Anne Cassidy proclaims that today's kids have virtually taken over their parents' lives. She recommends that parents drop out of parenting classes and forget the experts. Instead, they must remember to trust their instincts.

Her thesis took shape when she was struck with laryngitis and couldn't give her daughters the praise they'd grown to depend on -- what she describes as the "steady stream of prattle about what a good job she's doing or what she'd like to do next." She realized her children, and many others, were suffering from what she calls "Attention Excess Disorder," which she deems the "Malady of the Decade." Cassidy's ideas are full of common-sense wisdom, delivered in a voice that sounds like a reassuring, often humorous, friend.

I was also riveted to Richard F. Miniter's The Things I Want Most: The Extraordinary Story of a Boy's Journey to a Family of His Own, the story of his family's decision to take in a severely troubled 11-year-old as a foster child. The Miniters had already raised six children of their own and were running an inn in upstate New York. Instead of enjoying some well-earned tranquillity, they brought chaos into their lives in the form of a boy named Mike. This is a book you won't forget.


Questions and answers

Is It "Just a Phase"?: How to Tell Common Childhood Phases from More Serious Problems, by Dr. Susan Swedo and Dr. Henrietta L. Leonard is a handy volume filled with solutions to all sorts of childhood problems, including thumb-sucking, picky eating habits, shyness, hyperactivity, fears, and a myriad of school woes. You'll find suggestions for helping your child outgrow these problems, ways to recognize signs of serious situations, tips for when to consult a doctor, and lists of further reading.

Of course, parents always have questions -- just as sure as kids used to get chicken pox. With that in mind, The Parents Answer Book, by the editors of Parents magazine is bound to become indispensable. And with 896 pages, it's got plenty of answers about the health, safety, and development of children from birth through age five. Not only does it contain thoughtful discussions of just about everything under the sun, there are numerous practical pointers as well.


School, sex, and TV

A wonderful new series debuts with How Is My First Grader Doing in School?: What to Expect and How to Help and How Is My Second Grader Doing in School? Jennifer Richard Jacobson and Dorothy Raymer present a wealth of material to help you assess your child's abilities in math, reading, and writing. Also included are clearly written explanations of various skills, suggested activities, and reading lists. More books for older grades are forthcoming. Start your children with this series, and you'll both deserve an A+!

Whenever parents get the inevitable "Where do babies come from?" query, the answer is often a pregnant pause. Arm yourself with How to Talk to Your Child About Sex, and you'll know just what to say. Linda and Richard Eyre, the authors of the best-selling Teaching Your Children Values, say age eight is an ideal time to have the "big talk," and they even present dialogues to show exactly how the conversation might go. They also explain how to answer the question for younger children, as well as how to deal with the topic with teens of all ages.

Also be sure to check out Joanne Cantor's "Mommy, I'm Scared": How TV and Movies Frighten Children and What We Can Do to Protect Them, which discusses not only TV and movies but the news as well, another frequent contributor to nightmares.

Cantor explains why children are often enticed by frightening programs and what types of problems are caused by various shows. She explains exactly what is likely to scare children at different ages and how to address their fears.

Finally, I'll close with a thought from For the Love of Children, a collection of quotes and anecdotes related to children and parenting. Author Eva Shaw notes that someone once defined the joy of parenthood as "What grown-ups feel when the kids are in bed."

Touche!


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Alice Cary is a mother and a reviewer in Groton, Massachusetts.

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