Mary Chapin-Carpenter
Caroline B. Cooney
Paula Danziger
David Diaz
Mem Fox
Kevin Henkes
William Joyce
Kathleen Krull
Gary Paulsen

Interview by Michael Sims

The authors modestly describe "The von Hoffman Brothers' Big Damn Book of Sheer Manliness" as "a whole lifetime supply of worthless information." They're right. This may be the only damn book that contains both an epigraph by Montaigne and a tribute to Tabasco sauce. It begins with "The Star-Spangled Banner" and ends with quotations about prostitution.

In between you can find a tribute to John Wayne, three unique proofs that God exists (but with a complaint about the life span of dogs), a list of Films for Guys that includes "Goodbye, Mr. Chips," the complete short stories which were made into the films "Stagecoach" and "The Quiet Man," the history of whiskey, lists of slang terms for male and female private parts, a chart of game fish, and a description of a spud gun, which includes the aside that "it's illegal in some states, a minor detail that may or may not be of interest."

Naturally for this interview we sought our bravest, manliest reviewer. Unfortunately he was in jail, so Michael Sims did it.

Michael Sims: So you and your brother were wrestling steers one day and you had this vision . . .

Todd von Hoffman: Actually, the idea occurred to me after I'd seen other purported books for guys. All of which didn't have pictures, and weren't fun, and really seemed to be more for women -- to make fun of guys and their foolish frailties. Guys don't want to read about what idiots they are; they want to brag about it themselves.

Sims: Idiot one-upsmanship.

von Hoffman: Yeah, you know, all that terrible stuff that guys love to impart to one another -- particularly on long fishing trips.

Sims: Those hidden-away Bonding Rituals.

von Hoffman: Don't say the B word.

Sims:It sounds like you've had a blast with this book.

von Hoffman: Oh, it really has been such a surprise to us. We're not authors. I wanted to keep it sort of conversational, and avoid pretension at all costs. It's bar talk.

Sims: The "People" reviewer said that "Being a real man means having really bad taste."

von Hoffman: "How distressing," I believe he started it out. We sent him back this note that said that after an unbroken stream of positive reviews of the book, it was inevitable that we found at least one reviewer who wore black socks in gym.

Sims: What's your background?

von Hoffman: I was in a management production company representing animation talent -- the guys who do the Nickelodeon shows. After that I was building steel-frame houses. And then we didn't have another project to do, and I was sitting on my hands and trying to figure out where the next paycheck was gonna come from. That's when I decided to drag out a little folder of ideas. I wanted to do a sort of a coffee-table book for guys.

Sims: And the publisher went for it instantly?

von Hoffman: I put together six color-Xerox pages, bright yellow paper with an outline of 20 categories, and then subject headings and a list of items underneath those. I sent that off to the editor with a cover letter, in a cigar box, with firecrackers, a chili packet, a little bottle of tequila -- and a cigar, of course. And he called me within like two hours and said, "Come on in, let's do it."

Sims: Has anybody commented on "The Ghost and Mrs. Muir" making it into your list of all-time great guy movies?

von Hoffman: Yeah, we had some folks try to give us some hell for that, or some folks will try to pooh-pooh "Spartacus."

Sims: There are trout flies in the corner of practically every page of the book. If you flip the pages backward, do they spell "The Duke Lives"?

von Hoffman: I just love fly fishing. I love tying flies. I love the look of flies. I tie flies with my nine-year-old daughter. I got her into origami early on. It's a great thing for kids -- teaches them patience, and attention to detail, and precision.

Sims: Just to prove I made it to the back of the book, are there any public figures to whom you would send a Notice of Penile Revocation?

von Hoffman: Oh, God, you know, there're so many public examples of gutlessness or ducking a confrontation.

Sims: Are people treating you as just the author of a book, or are they calling you up as the new authority on manliness?

von Hoffman: You get that sometimes, but I punch a hole in it. We're not setting ourselves up as some sort of male Heloise or some Dear Abby kind of thing. Išve had some people e-mailing me with questions like that, and I say, "Don't ask me, for Christ's sake."

Sims: And you're already working on sequels.

von Hoffman: The next book will be for Father's Day 1999. We've got a ton of stuff left over from the first one. It'll be the same thing, volume two. Except I probably won't have a Bombastic Manifesto.

Michael Sims is the strong but gentle author of "Darwin's Orchestra."