BY KATHI KAMEN GOLDMARK AND SAM BARRY

The Author Enablers are here to answer your questions about writing and publishing. Together, Kathi and Sam have more than 25 years of experience in book publishing. Kathi is an author, radio producer and former publicist; Sam is a marketing manager at a major publishing company and a freelance editor. They are also proud members of the Rock Bottom Remainders, the all-author rock band founded by Kathi in 1992.

There once was a contest so screwy

On April 1, 1996—April Fool's Day, we can't help noticing—President Bill Clinton declared: "National Poetry Month offers us a welcome opportunity to celebrate not only the unsurpassed body of literature produced by our poets in the past, but also the vitality and diversity of voices reflected in the works of today's American poetry." In that spirit, it is with pleasure that we announce the winners of our First Annual World Limerick Contest.

The competition was intense, and there were many worthy offerings that had to be cut. In the end it all came down to payola. No, seriously, it came down to the decision of our celebrity judges: Dave Barry, author of The Shepherd, the Angel, and Walter the Christmas Miracle Dog; P. J. O'Rourke, author of On The Wealth of Nations from the Atlantic Monthly Press' "Books That Changed the World" series; West Coast Live Poet Laureate Guy Johnson, author of Echoes of a Distant Summer; and eighth-grader Laura Barry. If you feel that your limerick was unfairly overlooked, we urge you to find Dave, P. J. and Guy and talk to them about it. But remember to buy their books first.

Now for the winners. Remember, a limerick is, according to the American Heritage Dictionary, a "light, humorous, nonsensical, or bawdy verse of five anapestic lines usually with the rhyme scheme aabba." The grand prize winner will receive a Rock Bottom Remainders T-shirt signed by several of the band members, and the runners-up will receive a beer can out of which Dave Barry, P. J. O'Rourke and Guy Johnson actually drank at the same time. They'll also get a copy of the singing-author CD, Stranger than Fiction. Here, with further ado . . . the envelope, please:

Third place prize, chosen by our eighth-grade judge, goes to Amy Jo Schoonover of Mechanicsburg, Ohio, for her "Bare Facts":

There was a young stripper named Trude
Who was anything else but a prude
She strutted her stuff
Each night in the buff
And the rest of the story is lewd.

Debate was hot and heavy over second place, with shouting matches and food fights involved. We finally had to choose two second-place winners to keep everyone out of the hospital. First up is Merlyn Marten of Proctorville, Ohio:

For the meaning of Rimes Anapestic
I scoured sources both foreign and domestic
But they must have been wrong
For two shorts and a long
Just don't sound, much at all, limer-estic.

Tied for second place is Jan Branstetter of La Plata, Maryland:

In Vanity Fair the plot thickens
Though Becky Sharp's character sickens
Thackeray through great strife
Lost the friend of his life
Or did William Makepeace with the Dickens?

And now for the grand prize winner, Pat Mayer of Mobile, Alabama!

A tiny mortician named Newsome
Had a girlfriend who said, "We're a twosome.
I'll never grow weary
Of your being eerie,
But I sure wouldn't mind if you gruesome."

As politically volatile as this contest became, it was no surprise when one of our judges checked in with his own artistic agenda. Here is P.J. O'Rourke's insightful comment on the proceedings:

The limerick verses proferred
In wit were a bit unassured
None came in first
Second was worse
And all of the rest rhymed with third.

Next month your Author Enablers will be back to our regular business of answering the questions of aspiring writers. Remember, we don't like to publish your questions without giving you credit, so be sure to include your name and city and state of residence when you e-mail AuthorEnabler@aol.com.