Are your kids driving you crazy? Here's help

REVIEWS BY ALICE CARY

No matter what age children you have, problems happen. Problems that leave you stumped, forcing you to turn to others for advice. Whether your brood is in the potty-training phase or in those scary post-pubescent years, here are some new books to help you keep your head above water. Take a parenting time-out, and instead of screaming, try reading.

Expectant parents and parents of infants—especially first-time parents—frequently turn to books for help, and often several books. As a mother of three, I kept a trusted stack by my bed during those early years. A good volume to add to your collection is The Kidfixer Baby Book by Stuart J. Altman, M.D. An instructor at NYU Medical Center and the Albert Einstein Medical Center, Altman is also a practicing pediatrician with a Long Island pediatric group called Kidfixers.

Perplexed parents would love nothing better than being able to chat with a physician about their worries. Reading The Kidfixer Baby Book is the next best thing. Avoiding what he calls "techno-speak," Altman writes in an informative and often entertaining style. Adding to his book's humor are a handful of James Thurber-like line drawings scattered throughout, the work of illustrator Zacharyl Judd Scheer.

Topics (there are many) are clearly organized, covering everything from pregnancy issues to sleep and feeding difficulties, immunizations, symptoms and special concerns of working parents, divorced parents and parents of multiples. A look at some of the chapter subtitles reveals how informed and reassuring Altman's insights can be: "Some common lumps, bumps, and spots"; "Don't panic—fever is a good sign"; and "Why your child always seems sick, and some straight talk about antibiotics."

And when all seems impossible, be heartened by Altman's conclusion that raising a child is "not impossible" and "certainly easier than programming a VCR."


The Toddler Whisperer

Once you and your baby have survived that sleep-deprived and often anxiety-filled first year, you'll be ready for Harvey Karp's The Happiest Toddler on the Block. The cover describes this book as: "The New Way to Stop the Daily Battle of Wills and Raise a Secure and Well-Behaved One- to Four-Year-Old."

You might call Karp the Toddler Whisperer. He recommends that to understand toddlers, parents should "take a giant step . . . backward." Toddlers are like Neanderthals, maintains Karp, also the author of The Happiest Baby on the Block. He groups them into categories: Charming Chimp Child (12 to 18 months); Knee-High Neanderthal (18 to 24 months); Clever Cave-Kid (24 to 36 months); and Versatile Villager (36 to 48 months). In times of trouble, these groups need to be addressed in their own language, which Karp calls "Toddler-ese,"—communication defined by short phrases, lots of repetition and exaggerated facial expressions.

Parents should also abide by the "Fast-Food Rule," which means that during a tantrum you need to repeat your child's "order" (what he wants), before you tell him your "price" (what you want).

I'm not sure whether Karp's strategies work, but they seem to make sense. If I'd had this book when my kids were toddlers, I definitely would've given these methods a try. They're certainly based on a solid foundation of good communication, love, respect and calmness.

Every parent knows you have to pick your battles, and here's a book to help you choose yours: Picking Your Battles: Winning Strategies for Raising Well-Behaved Kids, by Bonnie Maslin, Ph.D. Maslin, a psychologist and mother of four, writes about a broad range of ages, from birth to 11. Many books are written about babies, toddlers, preschoolers and teens, so it's useful to have a reference directed at 5- to 11-year-olds, a group that's often not addressed.

Maslin earns her audience's trust by admitting, "flawless parenting is not my stock-in-trade. The vantage point of Picking Your Battles is the trenches, not the exalted heights. I wrote this book because I made every mistake in it and fortunately learned from it."

Maslin has many strategies for avoiding those plentiful moments we parents aren't proud of, those Battles Royal, or, as she puts it, moments when we turn into "parental lunatics." What parent couldn't benefit from "Seven Steps to Getting Good at Getting Angry"? Step 1, for instance, is an easy-to-remember, invaluable tool: "Respond Rather Than React." In addition to helping moms and dads with their own reactions and discipline style, Maslin includes a helpful section on how parents can help develop their children's moral compass.


Do you want to know a secret?

One look at the sullen girl on the cover of I Can't Believe You Went Through My Stuff!, and you know you're dealing with teens. Peter Sheras, Ph.D., addresses a delicate balance aptly summed up in his book's subtitle: "How to give your teens the privacy they crave and the guidance they need."

No matter what your relationship with your teen, at some point you'll have to weigh the matter of ensuring their privacy versus making sure they're not getting into trouble. Sheras provides excellent advice on how to address this and related subjects, such as how to handle your kids' secrets, and how and when to confront your teen with any information you might have gleaned. Sheras also gives practical advice about handling such issues as Internet romances and pornography.

We parents often address issues like these by the seat of our pants, so it's a godsend to have sound advice from an expert. Sheras calls parenting teens "Stage 2 parenting," explaining that useful methods for younger children no longer work. He advocates several valuable strategies, such as "Listen first, speak second," and explains how to "stay informed about what your child is up to, without embarrassing or infuriating her and driving her farther underground." Sheras also acknowledges that it's normal for teens to have secrets—it's a necessary part of growing up.

I Can't Believe You Went Through My Stuff! is a short, easy-to-read book packed with sensible approaches. I recommend it for any parent of a teen or preteen.

Reading these books makes parenting seem like a snap. Now comes the hard part: laying the books aside and putting the theories into action. Good luck!


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