The Marriage Problem:
By James Q. Wilson
Wifework:
By Susan Maushart
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Marriage: tying the knot or loosening the noose?REVIEW BY LINDA STANKARDWhat is a marriage? Is it just a contract, a piece of paper? Is it a noble promise? A dicey bet? A construct for raising and protecting children? A cultural dinosaur or humanity's best hope for the future? Whatever else it is, marriage is an institution that has had dramatic impact on the lives of women, for better or for worse. As we begin National Women's History Month, it's appropriate to consider two books that examine the "state of the union" in the 21st century. A proponent of the ties that bind, scholar and cultural commentator James Q. Wilson bemoans what he sees as a weakening of the traditional family unit in The Marriage Problem: How Our Culture Has Weakened Families. Taking an opposing view is Susan Maushart, who argues in Wifework: What Marriage Really Means for Women that current-day marriages are actually work traps for women in the guise of happy, equal unions. Whereas Wilson points to a host of forces debilitating the institution of marriage, Maushart warns that despite any "liberating" movements, women are still "getting less out of this deal called marriage than they are putting in." Creating commitmentThe crux of Wilson's argument is that over time, powerful socio-cultural forces have undermined marriage. He says this development could have devastating consequences for society because marriage remains "our most important way of creating intimacy and commitment." Wilson finds marriage "as important for the well-being of its members and prospects of its children today when women have been emancipated from ancient burdens as it was when they still suffered under them." But have women really been "unburdened"? Ask the working mom who juggles her job, running the kids to soccer practice and dentist appointments, food shopping, cooking and laundry how "emancipated" she feels! Wilson does recognize the internal angst women go through in having to prioritize their actions on a daily basis. He points out that today's women are breaking new ground, making difficult choices "as they go along, without culture to tell them unequivocally what to do, and the balancing act they try to perform as a way of reconciling opportunity and home is a difficult feat that is often emotionally distressing."A sea of stressOn this point Wilson would get no argument from Maushart, who finds the "mismatch between our words and deeds, the rhetoric we profess and the reality we construct" regarding men and women's roles within marriage as incredibly disparate. In her view, walking down the aisle is more akin to a walk on gangplank. And once a woman "takes the plunge," she will find herself in a turbulent sea of unanticipated work, stress, conflict and confusion. Maushart, a twice-married mother of three who won international acclaim with the publication of her book, The Mask of Motherhood, finds that in spite of all the press given to the concept of women's equality, wives continue to behave in ways that "bespeak powerlessness, vulnerability, and even subservience."Her research finds that wives continue to do the lioness' share of work within marriage, and that that work entails not just the physical labor of household chores or the sex work of keeping a husband monogamous, but all the underlying work that goes into keeping everyone happy -- the emotional and organizational work that is little discussed, often taken for granted, but nonetheless "real" for the woman who does it. With good-humored aplomb, Maushart makes clear she doesn't think marriage or men are "rotten," but that "the way we typically divide up the business -- and the pleasure, too -- of our adult relationships is inefficient, maladaptive and unfair." These two authors "take the veil off" marriage with unsentimental, penetrating research and analysis. Despite the different focus of their two books, both authors acknowledge that we humans have a deep, abiding need to form close, intimate attachments and that marriage is most likely here to stay -- there's just a lot of work left to be done on the part of both sexes before the concept of a "marriage made in heaven" will become truth in advertising. Linda Stankard writes from Middle Tennessee.
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