Life on Santa Claus Lane
Tales from a Christmas Tree Farm
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REVIEW BY RON KAPLAN
E-book author Darrell Bain has written two charming volumes of misadventures that could only happen to folks who actually live on Santa Claus Lane—and own a Christmas tree farm—in Texas. Looking at life on the farm both during and after the hectic holiday, Bain writes with a mix of insight and wit that will please readers regardless of the season. Bain's Tales from a Christmas Tree Farm is a primer on how (and how not) to run this very seasonal enterprise. He quickly disproves the notion that running a tree farm is an easy undertaking. Details to contend with include the actual planting, care and harvesting of trees; keeping bugs and diseases at bay; and finding ancillary businesses to augment sales, such as wreaths, tree stands and snack bars. And don't forget about the Christmas tree growers'conventions. . . . Bain's other book, Life on Santa Claus Lane, is an amiable look at the author, his wife Betty and their assorted pets, as they go about their day-to-day lives in East Texas. Part Dave Barry, part Will Rogers, part Dagwood Bumstead, Bain spins yarns on such matters as lawn mowers, housebreaking puppies, the dangers of flossing and other sundry domestic problems that audiences will find familiar, although readers who live in the Lone Star State will probably catch more of Bain's references than those who don't. As Bain bumbles his way through "A Simple Errand"—the story of the author's attempt to pick up a few items from the local department store without using a shopping list as his wife suggested—he might remind some readers of the dopey dads on classic TV sitcoms. "The Fabulous Desk" reminds me of the time my wife and I tried to assemble a piano bench as a surprise for my mother-in-law, struggling to put it together before her return home, and barely finishing and slipping out the front door while she came in the back. One chapter that's more ironic than funny is "Mexico Madness," about the necessity for Bain and his wife to travel across the border to buy prescription drugs at drastically lower prices. He has some explaining to do when he returns to the States with huge quantities of women's drugs and must go along with the guard's humiliating assertions that he needs them as premedication for a sex-change operation. Anyone who's considered opening a B&B should read "Bed and Breakfast Blues." The follies of preparing one's abode for an influx of demanding strangers— not to mention persnickety B&B officials—as recounted by Bain, will undoubtedly make prospective hosts think twice. Life on Santa Claus Lane and Tales from a Christmas Tree Farm are pleasurable indulgences, the kind of reading that should be done on a porch, with one's feet up on the railing. It's a good thing they make laptops nowadays. Ron Kaplan lives and writes in New Jersey.
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