The Austere Academy
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REVIEW BY JAMIE WHITFIELD
Like the other four books in Lemony Snicket's Series of Unfortunate Events, the cover of The Austere Academy carries a warning for those who prefer a cheerful story: Don't read this book. The Austere Academy begins with a description of Carmelita Spats, who "deserves a gold medal for being the least delightful person on Earth." Rude, violent, and filthy, she is a study in contrast to the three Baudelaire siblings, who deserve gold medals for surviving the adversity faced in the first four books. Anyone who hasn't read the previous books will quickly come to know the Baudelaires: 14-year-old Violet, a clever girl who is always ready with an invention to make life more manageable; her brother, Klaus, a voracious reader whose immense vocabulary and vast store of knowledge have helped the siblings in the past; and Sunny, their baby sister who still speaks in syllables only the family understands. And then there is Count Olaf, the evil uncle who has followed the orphans, and the fortune they stand to inherit, since the first book of the series, The Bad Beginning. The Austere Academy finds the hapless orphans at Prufrock Preparatory School, a sinister place with buildings resembling gravestones (or thumbs), a motto reading "Momento Mori" (which according to Klaus means: Remember you will die), and a vice principal named Nero who thinks he can play the violin (he can't) and fancies himself a genius (he isn't). Because the Baudelaire siblings have no parent or guardian to sign them into the school's dorms, they are quickly sent to the orphan shack, a dismal tin building infested with territorial crabs and encrusted with a dripping fungus, not to mention the hideous tan and pink wallpaper. The school is equally dismal, full of poor teachers -- which in this case doesn't mean economically poor -- it means obsessed with the metric system. Despite an elaborate computer system to keep Count Olaf away from the Baudelaire children, Olaf shows up to make things even more miserable. Disguised as a PE teacher, Coach Genghis, he designs the Special Orphan Running Exercises (SORE) which is yet another attempt to get at their fortune. But all is not completely gloomy for the orphans. They meet and become fast friends with Duncan and Isadora Quagmire, who are also orphans. This friendship, and the continuing conflict with Olaf -- not to mention the unraveling mystery of Beatrice -- keep us anxious for the next book in Snicket's series. Jamie Whitfield thinks she recognizes Coach Genghis from her 20-year teaching career, and is grateful she remembers the Quagmires she met along the way.
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